What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 08:43
My family never makes their pension either.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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We all went to grammer schools
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I have no regrets .
Why are people saying that Trump is fat when he is an athletic 6 foot 3 and 215 pounds?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i lived it daily.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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It was going to be , some day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
How do I explain to my husband that my 19-year-old son has accidentally gotten me pregnant?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why are you a Muslim? Why is it Islam for you and not something else?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What did i know ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
How do you perform a lap dance for your boyfriend or husband?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She wouldn,t have been !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was in good health!
When she asked me how she looked .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He knew the spot.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it wasn’t much.
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was seconnd youngest,
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im still living with it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She loved him until the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I said to her
I write beautiful poetry .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I think the readers, may guess!
Comes on , in middle age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So whats the point in blame.
She married twice! .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i do to all so called friends.?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She found it foreign!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Would this be the day?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was scared of men, in general
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I don,t even have a pension.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Who then, do I blame.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .